Thank you for this, Tara! I connect so much with your journey and greatly appreciate your willingness to share.
I had a rough year, going through a break up, starting my own healing journey (read: therapy), feeling a lot of shame and unworthiness and rejection . . .
fast forward to the end of last year: my mom encouraged me to buy a literal diamond necklace I had my eye on -- even though it felt a little expensive and I was second guessing myself. Her words: "you're worth it. " Now, every time I catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror wearing it, or just feel it around my neck, it's such a touchstone, a reminder. I AM worth it.
I LOVE IT!!!!! My diamond necklace is MY TOUCHSTONE! It's worth way more than the gems! Every time I touch it, I remember my value. A little bougie and a little materialistic? Who cares - it works! Thanks for sharing!
I can relate! Andy, nor any man or person gets to decide someone else's worth. It is a VERY female reaction to look inward, see if WE are the problem. Nope. Andy, and so many of them showed you one small awesome part of himself and you didn't see the rest. Well, you did. By his silence.
This is such a thoughtful response...yes, there is something particularly female about it... "You did something shitty so let me me double down and blame myself." booooooo. And yes, people show you exactly who they are. Thanks for weighing in!
Oooh, the Diamond Necklace Question. So valuable I'm upper-casing it and pinning it top of mind. THANK YOU Tara. I very much value your thinking. And writing.
Filfre to toss this idea without consideration, but my guide Robin Clark is offering a class called Date Like a Feminist in a couple weeks. I took it last year and it fully reorganized my thinking about and purpose in dating—and beyond, actually. It was a comprehensive support to me. She's very solid and very funny. @loverobinclark if you wish to investigate.
The thing I learned this year is how incredible you are. The one person I know that keeps me focused on that positive journey of self improvement, from journaling to your books to your Chicago meetup last year! Who needs Andy when you have all of us!
I needed that his morning. That phrase can also hold true for family members that have let you go. My three adult children are not speaking to me after I divorced their father. Most days I feel worthless, sad and lots of shame. That metaphor was a good reminder for me that I am still enough. thank you, Tara. FYI- I read both your books over the summer and LOVED them.
Thanks so much for reading both books Lori - and thanks for sharing your story. I totally get it, when we feel rejected it feels intensely PERSONAL, like we have failed...and yet...very rarely does how a person treat you mean much about YOU. I feel for your - that sounds like a hard situation and I applaud you for seeing your inherit worth.
Oh Tara - this could not have come at a more perfect time. My high school boyfriend, who broke my heart, recently came back into my life. I wasn’t sure if it would turn into anything - or if I even wanted it to - but daily texts throughout the day have turned into very one-sided exchanges with one-word responses from him. It’s brought up a lot of old shit that’s really impacting me negatively.
When the texts started to slow down, I was talking to a friend and commented that I was afraid I was too much for him. Her response was brilliant: If he thinks you’re too much, then he can go settle for less.
I can relate!! A while back when I started dating after leaving a 6.5 year relationship, I met two potential guys I hit it off with. One potential, after two great dates, texted me all Xmas day when he was with family, then asking if we were going to spend New Years Eve together. Yes! I put on my calendar. I stopped hearing from him the days after and betrayed myself (and increasing anxiety), saying you have a plan and just stop it. New Year’s Eve morning came and I texted, looking forward to seeing you tonight. His response? Oh, I’m not available.!! I text him our exchange and the response? Oh, shit. Apparently he was drinking that day and forgot the plan. I broke it off, but it triggered a spiral for me into deeper healing (badly needed)
Another guy, lots of chemistry, attractive, smart, and I hit it off but after the 2nd date, he never made plans. He’d text last minute to come over. But, never committed to anything. By this time I was in a place where I saw the signs, backed off and simply got together with him as it suited me (a distraction from all that was going on in my life..which was challenging.
With both of these “potentials”, I felt they’d found a diamond (at least I knew enough to consider myself a diamond!), tossed it into the mud, and every know and again would pick it up, wash it off, and try going out again.
I stopped dating for a long while to heal. No longer accepting unacceptable behavior and valuing myself above all. Most of all, the goal is love, kindness, respect, and reciprocity!! But, first I’ve had to learn to give to myself first.❤️
Reading your article, reminded me of these two! :) Thank you, Tara!!👏🏻
Renee, thank you so much for your thoughtfulness here...I'm sorry to hear that's the case AND, can you re-frame it so that it's only their voices? Not any kind of truth? One way I like to think about all of this is that it's real I feel the way I feel, but it might not be *true.* Thank you for being here!
Agree with Tara, Renee! My heart is with you. Those voices, they can be SO heavy to carry around. I'm so sorry for the weight and sadness they bring. Much like mushrooms, they tend to grow and multiply in the dark.
Your vulnerability and willingness to hear Tara tells me you KNOW this rings true somewhere deep down. Those voices clash with reality. It's possible those things are not true! Shine bright like a diamond, friend.
Thank you for this, Tara! I connect so much with your journey and greatly appreciate your willingness to share.
I had a rough year, going through a break up, starting my own healing journey (read: therapy), feeling a lot of shame and unworthiness and rejection . . .
fast forward to the end of last year: my mom encouraged me to buy a literal diamond necklace I had my eye on -- even though it felt a little expensive and I was second guessing myself. Her words: "you're worth it. " Now, every time I catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror wearing it, or just feel it around my neck, it's such a touchstone, a reminder. I AM worth it.
I LOVE IT!!!!! My diamond necklace is MY TOUCHSTONE! It's worth way more than the gems! Every time I touch it, I remember my value. A little bougie and a little materialistic? Who cares - it works! Thanks for sharing!
I can relate! Andy, nor any man or person gets to decide someone else's worth. It is a VERY female reaction to look inward, see if WE are the problem. Nope. Andy, and so many of them showed you one small awesome part of himself and you didn't see the rest. Well, you did. By his silence.
This is such a thoughtful response...yes, there is something particularly female about it... "You did something shitty so let me me double down and blame myself." booooooo. And yes, people show you exactly who they are. Thanks for weighing in!
Oooh, the Diamond Necklace Question. So valuable I'm upper-casing it and pinning it top of mind. THANK YOU Tara. I very much value your thinking. And writing.
Filfre to toss this idea without consideration, but my guide Robin Clark is offering a class called Date Like a Feminist in a couple weeks. I took it last year and it fully reorganized my thinking about and purpose in dating—and beyond, actually. It was a comprehensive support to me. She's very solid and very funny. @loverobinclark if you wish to investigate.
<3 <3 <3
Thank you for being here and your comment! Thank you for the recommendation - I shall check it out! xoxoxo
The thing I learned this year is how incredible you are. The one person I know that keeps me focused on that positive journey of self improvement, from journaling to your books to your Chicago meetup last year! Who needs Andy when you have all of us!
Bhahahaha !!!! THANK YOU!!!! Your comment made MY LIFE. Did we meet in Chicago?!
You gave a great talk at Volumes and you were so nice when we chatted.
I literally read this and thought, who's Andy?
I needed that his morning. That phrase can also hold true for family members that have let you go. My three adult children are not speaking to me after I divorced their father. Most days I feel worthless, sad and lots of shame. That metaphor was a good reminder for me that I am still enough. thank you, Tara. FYI- I read both your books over the summer and LOVED them.
Keep being YOU!
Thanks so much for reading both books Lori - and thanks for sharing your story. I totally get it, when we feel rejected it feels intensely PERSONAL, like we have failed...and yet...very rarely does how a person treat you mean much about YOU. I feel for your - that sounds like a hard situation and I applaud you for seeing your inherit worth.
Thank you for responding. It means a lot to me!
I love the necklace theory. It’s a fact, really. And we should value ourselves as diamonds 👏
Your story reminds me of the gift I gave myself after
Oh Tara - this could not have come at a more perfect time. My high school boyfriend, who broke my heart, recently came back into my life. I wasn’t sure if it would turn into anything - or if I even wanted it to - but daily texts throughout the day have turned into very one-sided exchanges with one-word responses from him. It’s brought up a lot of old shit that’s really impacting me negatively.
When the texts started to slow down, I was talking to a friend and commented that I was afraid I was too much for him. Her response was brilliant: If he thinks you’re too much, then he can go settle for less.
Oh, and his name? Andy. 🙂
I can relate!! A while back when I started dating after leaving a 6.5 year relationship, I met two potential guys I hit it off with. One potential, after two great dates, texted me all Xmas day when he was with family, then asking if we were going to spend New Years Eve together. Yes! I put on my calendar. I stopped hearing from him the days after and betrayed myself (and increasing anxiety), saying you have a plan and just stop it. New Year’s Eve morning came and I texted, looking forward to seeing you tonight. His response? Oh, I’m not available.!! I text him our exchange and the response? Oh, shit. Apparently he was drinking that day and forgot the plan. I broke it off, but it triggered a spiral for me into deeper healing (badly needed)
Another guy, lots of chemistry, attractive, smart, and I hit it off but after the 2nd date, he never made plans. He’d text last minute to come over. But, never committed to anything. By this time I was in a place where I saw the signs, backed off and simply got together with him as it suited me (a distraction from all that was going on in my life..which was challenging.
With both of these “potentials”, I felt they’d found a diamond (at least I knew enough to consider myself a diamond!), tossed it into the mud, and every know and again would pick it up, wash it off, and try going out again.
I stopped dating for a long while to heal. No longer accepting unacceptable behavior and valuing myself above all. Most of all, the goal is love, kindness, respect, and reciprocity!! But, first I’ve had to learn to give to myself first.❤️
Reading your article, reminded me of these two! :) Thank you, Tara!!👏🏻
Renee, thank you so much for your thoughtfulness here...I'm sorry to hear that's the case AND, can you re-frame it so that it's only their voices? Not any kind of truth? One way I like to think about all of this is that it's real I feel the way I feel, but it might not be *true.* Thank you for being here!
Agree with Tara, Renee! My heart is with you. Those voices, they can be SO heavy to carry around. I'm so sorry for the weight and sadness they bring. Much like mushrooms, they tend to grow and multiply in the dark.
Your vulnerability and willingness to hear Tara tells me you KNOW this rings true somewhere deep down. Those voices clash with reality. It's possible those things are not true! Shine bright like a diamond, friend.